Hi paws, and thanks for the prompt reply. I'll respond to your instructions in order, with any comments.
1) I'm fairly certain that only Windows handles my wireless connectivity. There is, of course, the possibility of a conflicting program, but I don't know what it would be since it would have to be a program that installed itself and took over, since I did not install any programs to handle my wireless for me.
2) The wireless.. everything (wireless and bluetooth) are functioning properly and are on. I neglected to mention in my OP that one of the first things I did was cycle them on and off. Interestingly, in the spirit of cooperation, I reached over and hit the key combo (Fn+F2) to toggle the wireless, and the default visual has disappeared (my machine shows a little graphic onscreen when the antennas are powered on or off).
3) Device Manager is clean, not a single point of interest. All devices are reporting that they are functioning properly.
4) When I clicked "troubleshoot problems" it sat there for a moment and reported that the only detectable problem was that the "Diagnostics Policy Service" was not running. I haven't the faintest clue what that even means, and the window offers no explanation or help.
5) As far as "Enabled" is concerned, I'm not entirely sure where that option is. I clicked on the wireless networks "properties" tab, and looked for any type of checkbox that would 'enable' or 'disable' the network, and found nothing, not even under advanced.
6) For clarification, we have my laptop (the borked one), a the cable box, and the wireless router (and a wired router, but that's not the issue here, although I suppose I should mention that even connecting my laptop to the ethernet cable doesn't seem to work. I'd also like to mention that my previously mentioned power cycles lasted no more than 20 seconds). I turned off all three, the laptop, cable box and router for the specified 5 minutes. (continued in step 7)
7) I turned on my laptop and waited 5 minutes (I can't believe my parents ate almost all the cake without sharing some with me, bah) for things to resolve themselves. No dice, so on to step 8
8) Since I'm typing and reading this on a different machine, I had to copy the command visually. I made sure to pay attention to syntax, knowing how finicky these things can be. Here's the file:
Windows IP Configuration
Host Name . . . . . . . . . . . . : Cerberus
Primary Dns Suffix . . . . . . . :
Node Type . . . . . . . . . . . . : Hybrid
IP Routing Enabled. . . . . . . . : No
WINS Proxy Enabled. . . . . . . . : No
DNS Suffix Search List. . . . . . : hsd1.ca.comcast.net.
Ethernet adapter Bluetooth Network Connection:
Media State . . . . . . . . . . . : Media disconnected
Connection-specific DNS Suffix . :
Description . . . . . . . . . . . : Bluetooth Device (Personal Area Network)
Physical Address. . . . . . . . . : 74-F0-6D-AE-D0-63
DHCP Enabled. . . . . . . . . . . : Yes
Autoconfiguration Enabled . . . . : Yes
Ethernet adapter Local Area Connection:
Media State . . . . . . . . . . . : Media disconnected
Connection-specific DNS Suffix . :
Description . . . . . . . . . . . : Atheros AR8131 PCI-E Gigabit Ethernet Controller (NDIS 6.20)
Physical Address. . . . . . . . . : 20-CF-30-6A-84-4D
DHCP Enabled. . . . . . . . . . . : Yes
Autoconfiguration Enabled . . . . : Yes
Wireless LAN adapter Wireless Network Connection:
Connection-specific DNS Suffix . : hsd1.ca.comcast.net.
Description . . . . . . . . . . . : Atheros AR9285 Wireless Network Adapter
Physical Address. . . . . . . . . : 48-5D-60-3B-66-92
DHCP Enabled. . . . . . . . . . . : Yes
Autoconfiguration Enabled . . . . : Yes
Link-local IPv6 Address . . . . . : fe80::dd57:e215:c60a:6cbf%10(Preferred)
Autoconfiguration IPv4 Address. . : 169.254.108.191(Preferred)
Subnet Mask . . . . . . . . . . . : 255.255.0.0
Default Gateway . . . . . . . . . :
DNS Servers . . . . . . . . . . . : 172.16.42.1
NetBIOS over Tcpip. . . . . . . . : Enabled
Tunnel adapter isatap.hsd1.ca.comcast.net.:
Media State . . . . . . . . . . . : Media disconnected
Connection-specific DNS Suffix . : hsd1.ca.comcast.net.
Description . . . . . . . . . . . : Microsoft ISATAP Adapter
Physical Address. . . . . . . . . : 00-00-00-00-00-00-00-E0
DHCP Enabled. . . . . . . . . . . : No
Autoconfiguration Enabled . . . . : Yes
Tunnel adapter Teredo Tunneling Pseudo-Interface:
Media State . . . . . . . . . . . : Media disconnected
Connection-specific DNS Suffix . :
Description . . . . . . . . . . . : Teredo Tunneling Pseudo-Interface
Physical Address. . . . . . . . . : 00-00-00-00-00-00-00-E0
DHCP Enabled. . . . . . . . . . . : No
Autoconfiguration Enabled . . . . : Yes
Ping request could not find host bbc.co.uk. Please check the name and try again.
Why is it looking like this is just something stupid that I turned off accidentally?