Your best joke.

Here is mine Frog A man takes the day off from work and decides to go golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it, and is about to shoot, when he hears, "Ribbit, 9 iron." The man looks around but doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit, 9 iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove that the frog is wrong. He puts his first club back into his bag and grabs his 9 iron. Boom!!! He drives the ball within ten inches of the cup! The man is shocked and says to the frog, "Wow, that's amazing! You must be a lucky frog, hunh?" The frog replied, "Lucky frog. Ribbit." The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think, frog?" he asks. "Ribbit. 3 wood." The man takes out the 3 wood. Boom!! A hole in one! The man is totally befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best day in his whole life. He asks the frog, "Where to next?" and the frog replied, "Las Vegas. Ribbit." They go to Las Vegas and the man says, "Okay, frog. Now what?" The frog responded, "Ribbit. Roulette." Upon approaching the table, the man asks, "What do you think I should bet, frog?" The frog says, "Ribbit. $3,000. Black 6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures, what the heck? Boom!!! A mountain of cash comes sliding back to him across the table! He takes his winnings and checks into the finest suite in the casino's hotel. The man sets the frog down on a table and says, "Frog, I don't know how I can ever repay you. You won me the best golf game of my life, and now all of this money. I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit. Kiss me." The man figures, why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves at least a kiss. With the kiss, the frog turned into a gorgeous fifteen year old girl. "And that, Your Honor, is how the girl ended up in my room…" Cheers, Lee

LOL one way to do it, mine are mainly crude (hey, I was a builder lol), but here is one that I hope is passable albeit cleaned up a tiny bit:- An Old Couple celebrating they're 60th anniversary, they decide to celebrate by taking a walk down memory lane, so they set off to a diner where they first got together. Once there they decide to see if they still did what they ate back then, to they're surprise they did, so they ordered up and went and sat at the table they did back in the day, the waitress brings them some drinks and hears them talking about how lucky they were to relive this event, turns out the waitress was the one who served them all those years ago, pretty much put the icing on the cake for them, during this chat there was a young guy come in and sat close enough to overhear this, who offered his congrats, the food was then served and the couple enjoyed reliving the moment. As the meal ended they reminisced about they're first sexual encounter, which was in the field behind the diner, they decided to see if it was still the same, so they left the diner and went round back, to they're amazement it was still the way they remembered to look at, so they strolled over to the fence where they first joined, and the day had made them both frisky, so they look at each other and figure why not end the day in true style, so they started making love again. By this time the young guy had come out of the diner, and he wondered what the old couple may be up to, so he went round back and saw them at it, he watched for a good 45 minutes going hell for leather until they had finished, the staff had come out of the diner due to all the whooping and groaning that the old couple were doing, and as the old couple sorted they're clothing and walked back down they got a standing ovation, and the young guy said to the old bloke I just hope I can do that at you're age, are there any secrets you'd care to share that may help me at you're age ? The old guy thought for a moment and then said to him, don't read signs. the young guy confused by this asked what was meant, he explained he heard how nothing had changed from the first time all those years back, at which point the old guy said well there was 1 single thing that was different from back then, so the young guy asked what that was, so the old guy said that fence wasn't electrified back then ROFLMAO

This is far from my best joke, but I thought that some of you here at wtt might find it amusing. A pilot, Michael Jordon, Bill Gates, the Pope, and a pizza delivery boy were all in a plane together traveling through stormy conditions. Suddenly, the pilot came running back to the passengers and announced that lightning had hit the plane, and they were going to crash in a matter of minutes. "There are only enough parachutes for four of the five of us," he announced. "Since I'm the pilot, I get one!" After saying this, the pilot grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the plane. "I'm the world's greatest athlete," proclaimed Michael Jordon. "This world needs great athletes, so I must live." Michael Jordon then grabbed a parachute and leaped out of the plane. "I'm the smartest man in the world," bragged Bill Gates. "The world needs smart men, so I must also live!" and so he too jumps out of the plane. At this point, the Pope began to speak. "I have lived a long life compared to you, and you may take the last parachute. I will go down with the plane", to which the pizza delivery boy replies "You don't have to stay here! The world's smartest man just jumped out of the plane with my backpack."

Just heard this one and had to share. ONE FOR THE LADIES! Husband and wife were driving thru the countryside, when they came across some cows grazing in a paddock. Husband turns to wife and says "family of yours??" Wife replies to husband "YES! They are my inlaws!"

A business man was interviewing applicants for the position of divisional manager. He devised a test to select the most suitable person for the job. He asked each applicant, "What is two and two?" The first interviewee was a journalist. His answer was "Twenty-two." The second applicant was an engineer. He pulled out a slide rule and showed the answer to be between 3.999 and 4.001. The next person was a lawyer. He stated that in the case of Jenkins v Brown, two and two was proven to be four. The last applicant was an accountant. The business man asked him, "How much is two and two?" The accountant got up from his chair, went over to the door and closed it, went to the window - peered out then closed the shades. He then came back and sat down. He leaned across the desk and said in a low voice…"How much do you want it to be?" He got the job.

Translated from a recently discovered Latin scroll dated 2BC Dear Cassius: Are you still working on the Y zero K problem? This change from BC to AD is giving us many headaches; there is not much time left. I don't know how citizens will cope with working the wrong way around. Having been working happily downwards forever, now we have to start thinking upwards. You would think that someone would have thought of this earlier and not left it to us to sort it out at the last minute. I spoke to Caesar the other evening. He was livid that Julius hadn’t done something about it when he was working out the calendar. He said he could see why Brutus turned nasty. We called in Consultus, but he simply said that continuing downwards using minus BC won't work and as usual charged a fortune for doing nothing useful. Surely, we will not have to throw out all our hardware and start again? Macrohard will make yet another fortune out of this, I suppose. The money lenders are paranoid of course! They have been told that all usury rates will invert, and they will have to pay their clients to take out loans. It is an ill wind…. As for myself, I just cannot see how the sand in an hourglass will flow upwards. We have heard that there are three wise men in the East who have been working on the problem, but unfortunately they won't arrive until it's all over. I have heard that there are plans to stable all horses at midnight at the turn of the year as there are fears that they will stop and try to run backwards, causing immense damage to chariots and possible loss of life. Some say the world will cease to exist at the moment of transition. Anyway, we are still continuing to work on this accursed Y zero K problem. I will send you a parchment if anything further develops. If you have any ideas please let me know, Plutonius

Good one, Tom. Pure empathy, in recognizing the commonalities we have with others throughout history.

This guy goes to see his Doctor because he knows that something is seriously wrong with his health. After a detailed examination and several blood tests later, the doctor informs the patient that he has a fatal condition and not long to live. The Patient says to the Doctor, "OK, give it to me straight Doc. How long have I got?. The Doctor replies "10". "10" exclaims the patient, "10 what"? "9" replies the Doctor.

Oh, dang.

GOLF ENTHUSIAST…… A man was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second. On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his mobile phone rang. It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that the he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf. He decided to get in a couple more holes before heading to the hospital. He ended up playing all eighteen, finishing his round shooting a personal best 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10. He was jubilant…. then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition. The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your round of golf didn't you! "I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your last!" "For the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock care. And you'll be her caregiver!" The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed. The doctor snickered and said, "Just kidding. She's dead. What'd you shoot?"

<_< One night in the country a marital dispute arouse in one of the farmhouses. As the spouses were ranting and raving, there was a loud knock and the door. The wife goes to the door, opens it and looks around. Seeing nobody, she closes the door and the couple resume arguing. In moments, there was another knock at the door. Again, the wife goes to the door, opens it and looks around. Seeing nobody, she closes the door and the couple resume arguing. After yet another moment, a third knock at the door is heard. This time the husband goes to the door, opens it and looks all around. Just as he was closing the door, he noticed a large Snail making it's way over the door step. The husband was so mad that he picked up the snail and threw it FAR, FAR AWAY. THREE YEARS LATER… the same couple was sitting at the dinner table eating some soup. They heard a knock at the door. The husband got up and answered the door. He looked all around. Then just as he was about to close the door, he saw the large Snail sitting on the doorstep. When their eyes met, the Snail shouted out to him, "What did you do THAT for?"

Bull

The farmer had left to pick up a new bull that he had purchased as an addition to his herd. The three bulls already already part of the herd were discussing the matter…

The largest bull stated that he had seventeen cows - way to few to give up any for this new bull.

The second largest bull said that he only had a dozen cows and certainly couldn't afford to do with any fewer because of the new bull.

The smallest bull said "Gee. I only have two cows. No way is this new bull getting either."

Just then, the farm pulls up in his truck with a big, bad Brahma Bull in the back. The Brahma was in an ill temper and was kicking the sides of the truck bed in a great fury, doing considerable damage to the truck.

The first bull said he guessed it would be ok to give up a few of his cows. "We have to make the new bull feel welcome, don't we?"

The second bull allowed that he could spare a few cows also.

The third and smallest bull started snorting and mooing ferociously, scraping the earth and kicking up a great deal of dust. The other two bulls stood staring at him in disbelief.

The smallest bull explained: "I just want to make sure he knows I am a bull!"

[attachment removed] Not far wrong

Not far wrong